“You nere NEVER there”

“You were NEVER there!!” my daughter yelled at me. She had a breakdown or breakthrough rather in our back yard after a huge fight we had earlier in the day. I could only sit there and take it, because she was right. It hurt me to the core of my being, but I knew this day was coming eventually. I FREAKIN’ HATE ADDICTION!!!!!! It literally takes everything from you. It took my ability to be a great mom away for so many years. My daughter said “You were always either drunk or getting drugs from someone’s house. You think I don’t remember, BUT I DO!!!” How could she forget? Most of her life I spent in my addiction. I was numbing my pain and in the process I was causing her pain.

I am glad she finally got that out. She’s been bottling that up for a long time. It sucks so bad watching her hurt, but I know just on the other side of pain is healing. As much as I do not want to sit and relive some things in my past or be reminded of the hurt I caused my only child, I do know this is a necessary step for us to move forward. She is sixteen now and just finished up her sophomore year of high school. In two years she will hopefully be chasing her dreams and entering into the University of Florida. She will have to spread her little wangs and get out of the nest. I can not set her up for success or steer her in the right direction with open wounds, though.

Intimate relationships are scary for me. I’ve never been good at them. But right now I am setting all my feelings aside and really concentrating on doing what it takes to help my child heal. We have to heal together! I want to take you on our journey to a beautiful relationship. I am claiming it! I know it will happen. Right now, though, our relationship is unsteady. I have to accept where we are and the things that caused us to get to this point. I have no idea how long this process will take or what the heck I’m doing. I just know that we have to do things that we’ve never done in order to get to places we’ve never been. So here we go. I am using this blog to document our journey along the way in hopes that it will inspire another single mom that may be experiencing the same types of things. We are in this together and we WILL figure it out! Addiction, you thought you had us, but I got news for you……. YOU CAN NOT BREAK US!!!!

Amanda